Elections '08 - all you need to know

I know that navigating the political landscape can be a very frightening and confusing task. Have no fear, though, because I'm here to help. Unfortunately, it's slim pickins this time 'round, friends. And since none of YOU are running for office (even though I would never vote for most of you), we are forced to pick from what's left. As a service to you and the surrounding community, I've spent the last few months collecting data and conducting research on the candidates. As a result of that tireless research, I have assembled the following list.

Here is all you need to know about the two major party's presidential candidates in 2008:

Republicans

1. McCain has others check his email for him, and isn't sure what to make of "The Google" that he keeps hearing about.
2. McCain is old. Really, really, old, but also kind of funny... maybe because he's old.
3. McCain thinks Roe V. Wade could/should be reversed.
4. McCain believes in privatized health care and tax rebate subsidies for it (since it worked so well when Bush did that to stimulate the economy).
   
5. Palin's voice is more... powerful... than Hillary Clinton's ever was. Palin's voice, when broadcast over a p/a system has been known to injure infants and even kill small woodland creatures.
   
6. Palin loves herself some g-o-d, and secretly believes she is Jesus' sister.
7. Palin doesn't believe that human actions have had any impact on global warming. Oh... wait, scratch that, one of her advisors just bitch-slapped her on the campaign bus, and now she's changed her tone to say that we "may" have an impact on our environment.
   
8. Both McCain and Palin are afraid of gay people, even though they are both slightly gay.
   

Democrats

• Obama's religious associations are all encompassing, allowing him to freely relate with many spiritual groups. He is a hard-lined Muslim, a devout Christian, a dedicated Morman, a peaceful Budhist, and sometimes a spell-casting Wiccan. It all just depends on the day of the week.
• Obama's heritage is very diverse, and fluctuates slightly depending on moon's waxing and waining cycles, and on who's asking him the question about it. Last count, he was 29% black, 14% white, 14% arabic, 18% latino, and 25% ancient chinese warrior.
• Obama believes in a woman's right to choose.
  
• Obama isn't thrilled about drilling for more oil, and prefers to explore alternative energy solutions... even though he's not exactly sure what "alternative energy" means.
  
• Obama's choice for VP is... I have no idea who his VP choice is. Does he even have one? I thought I had heard that he was thinking of picking Bill Clinton? Can he even do that?! No, wait, I remember, it's Oprah.
  

Good luck in November, you'll need it.