Jury Duty 101 - part 1

Last year, right about this time, I was called to jury duty for the first time. Eager to be a good citizen (and get out of work for a day), I made the trip downtown to federal court. I didn't know what to expect, and much of what I learned from the experience was not at all what I was hoping for. More on that later.

Yesterday, I was called upon AGAIN for jury duty. This time, I was sent to my local district court. Some people go their whole lives and never get called once, let alone twice in a year, to do their "duty." I'm just that lucky, I guess. If you're unfamiliar with the jury duty process, please allow me to explain...

Step one - You get a letter in the mail ordering you to appear at your local or federal court on a set date and time approximately two months in the future. The letter goes on to say that if you don't show up, you'll be in big, BIG trouble.

Step two - You show up on the aforementioned date, and are directed to a cage in the court house, where you will be chained and forced to sit in an extremely uncomfortable silence with a whole bunch of crazies ("crazies" are of course the other citizens who were randomly selected to appear for jury duty).

Step three - Once the uncomfortable silence turns into pure torture, and your shackles become unbearable, a clerk will wander in and begin registering everyone. As part of the registration, you get a number branded on your chest. I was Juror #17. When the branding iron cools, the clerk then explains a whole bunch of shit to everyone about the rest of the process.

Step four - At this point, you are either randomly separated into large groups and sent to a courtroom, or you are already there, and another clerk or courtroom assistant will appear and explain even more shit to you. Or, if your lucky, the judge will grace you with his/her presence and do the additional bunchofshit-explaining.

Step five - The lawyers and hooligans, sorry, "defendants" enter the court room at this point, and the 11 or 7 panel jury box is filled by yet another random drawing from the pool of crazies.

And this is where the fun begins...

Step six - The prosecuting attorney, who works for the government, and the defense attorney, who works for his/her client, begin asking each juror a number of annoying, prying questions. These questions are asked under the guise of determining whether or not they believe you can judge the case in an unbiased manner. In reality, though, the attorneys are trying to pick the biggest suckers who they think they can sway to side with them on the case at hand. Race, age, and other "illegal" determining factors play a huge role in the process, even though no one will ever admit it. If they choose, they can dismiss any juror and start the whole process over with a new sucker from the cage of crazies. In some federal cases, this questioning/dismissal dance can go on FOREVER, because there they may not be a limit on the number of jurors that can be dismissed. What makes this step so much darn fun, though, is that you get to sit there and learn a whole bunch of weird, f'd up personal shit about the other jurors (you're under oath at this point). Out of respect for other people's privacy, let's just say... HOLY CRAP my life is great compared to most of the general population, who's lives are plagued with ignorance and misfortune. Jesus H! No wonder this country has issues... most of it's "people" are freakin morons!

Step seven - If you were selected for the jury, and smart enough to accept your fate and keep your mouth shut (dismissed jurors are held onto for other cases, or can be called on at any time in the very near future to serve again), a date for the trial is then set. Sometimes, the trial begins immediately, or, like in my case, not for a while.

Step eight through eighty - We'll cover the rest of the steps in March, when I return to jury duty. I can't give everything away all at once, ya know.

For now, I will offer the following observations:

• It is true, what you see in movies and on the TV... defense attorneys are total sleeze bags. They talk out of both sides of their mouths, and look like someone's creepy uncle that no one talks to anymore.
  
• Prosecuting attorneys are the exact opposite... well dressed, attractive, direct, and they don't take any shit from anyone.
• Dependents who look guilty, usually are guilty... especially when they're wearing a brand-new sweater from Kohl's to make themselves appear presentable.

As an appendix to my tale, I'll describe a few of my fellow jurors to you: First, there was the elderly gentlemen who looked EXACTLY like Santa Claus, couldn't hear very well, and thought that he "probably needed a hearing aide but couldn't afford one." Next, was the dirty, stinky, frazzled old guy that smelled like a corpse who'd been smoking cigars for breakfast, lunch, and dinner since the 3rd grade (I ended up sitting near him, of f'n course). Then, there was the adult ADD lady who munched on her raspberry breakfast bar like a squirrel and tapped her foot INCESSANTLY. Next, there was the young man in the back who, unfortunately, had part of his head shaved for some sort of medical procedure, but wasn't allowed to wear his hat because the prick bailiff made him take it off. Oh, and how could I forget the guy with half-a-finger, or the guy who was worried that he didn't understand all the words in the English language... even though he had been in this country since 1985?!

Ahh, March cannot come soon enough!

Are you OUT of your damn MIND?!

Excuse me while I hurl all over my keyboard. Ok I'm done. Not it's your turn... (READ THIS).

First of all, I can't believe that I just linked to Christian website (topic for another day). But, wow, what a good bunch of "Christians," eh? Beat a team from a school that only has 20 girls in the entire school (all 20 have learning disabilities, by the way), by ONE-HUNDRED points? Are you kidding me?!

This story makes me so violently angry, that I cannot tell you what I really think of the situation. I'm not going to describe for you what it is like to see your dad spend his entire life educating mentally disabled kids. Nope, not gonna do it. I'm also not going to lecture you on the true meaning of sport, or go near that "it's not about winning..." hullabaloo. Nope, staying clear. I'm not even going to go-off on how parents have ruined youth sports in this country. No, sir.

Instead, I'm going to laugh MY ASS OFF! I mean, HELL, how can you not, especially with comments from the scene like this, "I think the bad judgment was in the full-court press and the 3-point shots..." Jesus H, ya think?! Or how about this quote, "Somewhere during that game they got caught up in the moment." OMGFG, hil-arious.

Such a feat of fantastic tragedy could only happen under the watchful eye of a troupe of self-righteous, reality-oblivious, devout Christians from the south! Gidddyup!

The big breakup (update)

It's been almost 6 months since the breakup.

As with any loss, the first few weeks were the most difficult to endure. If I told you that I didn't consider going back to her, many times, I would be lying. Even now, months later, I can still hear sweet, sweet voice echo in the hallows of my condo. I can still remember the excitement that she brought to my life, the laughs we shared, and the tears we shed together. I can still see her elegant and mesmerizing lines of color dance in my mind. I can still feel her touch invigorating me, comforting me, and caressing me to sleep.

She was both a blessing, and a curse, however, because she was very controlling, and unwilling to compromise in our relationship. We grew to resent one another, as we each tried to exert our will over the other, unsuccessfully. It was no longer a healthy relationship... or, rather, it never was. The truth, as much as it still pains me to say, was that I had outgrown her.

As time has passed, I have healed, adjusted, adapted, and survived. I have been given another chance. The ties that bound me to her are nearly severed, and freedom is within my grasp. I can feel it. I still have work to do, but my will is strong. I have learned too much, and have seen what is possible without her in my life holding me back.

I am, of course, speaking of my television. (First reports here, and here.)

So, what has changed, now that I've been TV-free for nearly 6 months?

1. There is less chatter in the background, aside from talk radio, Podcasts, or music, which are all far less demanding of my time and attention.
2. Instead of channel surfing to unravel my brain after work, I do something productive.
3. When I'm tired, I go to bed, instead of watching "a few more minutes" of whatever meaningless show was on that night.
4. When I'm in bed, I read (well, I'm trying, at least), instead of channel surfing for an extra half-an-hour.
5. My time is just that, mine. I no longer feel the need to shape my time at home around when "my show" is coming on.

Don't get me wrong, though, I still wish that I could flip on the television and veg-out at times, and definitely miss me some Dog Whisperer, South Park and Planet Earth... but, as some randomly wise dude once said; great reward cannot be had without sacrifice.

Libraries suck

All a brother wants to do, is get out of his condo for a few hours and find a quiet place to read his new HDR photography book. It was much harder than it should have been, though:

- Mad Heights library, closed at 5:30 on Wednesday. Wahwaaahh.
- Drive to Royal Oak library, find police patrolling all of the previously free parking spots, have to go to store, to get change for GD parking meters. Wahwaaaah.
- Walk in the bitter cold only to find the front entrance of the library closed, have to walk around the block to get in the back door. Wahwaaaah.
- Have to sit in kids chairs in the "young adults" section because the library is otherwise full. Wahwaaah.
- Get kicked out of the library before you hardly have time to read your book, because you spent half of your night getting there. Final Wahwaaaah.

Next time, I'm just going to stay home and waste my time playing video games.

Not-So-Secret Secrets to a healthy life

First, let me start by putting your fears to rest... no animals were harmed during the imaginary scientific study that I conducted while writing this blog entry. Although, a few fat/lazy people's feelings were hurt, and for that, I apologize.

Now, onto the business at hand. Following along with the idea started over here, that our fair city needs a kick in its rather plump and unhealthy arse, I have created a short list of "suggestions" for everyone who values their health... or just for those of us who don't want to lose our teeth and wear diapers again before our time comes. I'm going to do my blogging best to not preach at you, but if it comes off that way, then you'll just have to deal with it.

Don't expect me to convince you with some profound argument that will enlighten and lead you to a better way of living, because that's all on you. If you need someone else to explain to you why your own health is important, then you've got some other, more serious issues to deal with first. I will say this, though, if you simply allow yourself to be educated on the matter, the facts will speak for themselves, and the mystery will be revealed.

Ok, it's time to do this... so drop your pants, bend over, turn your head away, do whatever you have to do, because this ain't gonna be pretty... I now present to you:

The [30sInProgress] Top 10 Not-So-Secret Secrets to Living a Healthy Life

1. Educate yourself. I believe that ignorance is the key to living a short and unhappy life, especially when it comes to one's own health. Even though I do know what I'm talking about a little bit, for shit's sake, don't just take my word for it. Listen to other people, ask questions, talk to your doctor (unless he/she is an f'n quack like mine), look at your older family members and ask them about their healthy/unhealthy lifestyle, talk to your friends, take a class, read a book, subscribe to a magazine, try something new, and then formulate your OWN educated opinions on the matter. And no, you're not "too busy." I mean, how can anyone be too busy for themselves?! You can start by going here, here, or maybe even here.

2. Drink more water. Yeah, it seems like common sense, but this cannot be stressed enough. Proper hydration is of paramount importance to all of our body's functions. So quit whining, and drink up, bitch! Gatorade, soda, and sugary juices do not really count, by the way, because by the time they're loaded up with sodium (salt) and high fructose corn syrup (sugar), they barely resemble anything of food value. If you drink coffee, tea, or any other caffeinated beverage, keep in mind that you will need to drink even more water because caffeine (and obviously alcohol) is actually quite efficient at removing water from the body. I'm not saying that you need to run out and buy 92 cases of bottle water, though, because the tap water in our state appears to be held to relatively high standards. If you want to do it the right way, and save money in the long run, you can get a filter for added peace of mind. Oh, and if you're carrying around a plastic water bottle, like I am, also remember that you need to wash it out with soap and hot water every day... unless you like to eat fecal bacteria, that is!

3. Exercise your brain. Did you know that we can form new brain cells? No, I'm not shitting you. Your brain can actually grow and become stronger, if you treat it right. Don't be complacent, instead, continue to challenge yourself; read a book, learn to speak another language, join a club/group of people who share an interest or hobby of yours... no matter how "geeky" it may seem. And don't forget to spend time in your own thoughts, like the man said. We live our lives amidst a constant bombardment of distractions, making it difficult to find the time to think... and that is exactly why we must make the time to do it. A simple way to find your thoughts, is to retreat to a comfortable place where you cannot be interrupted, and just sit there in your own silence for 5 minutes. It ain't easy, trust me, but it's surprisingly refreshing. I double-dog-DARE you to try it. While you're doing this, you must control your breathing (there are many methods, though they're all basically the same), that is the key. I'm not talking about becoming a Buddhist monk that meditates all damn day, I'm simply talking about putting yourself and your own thoughts first, as it should be.

4. Exercise your body. Do I REALLY have to explain this one to you? Physical exercise makes everything about your body work better, feel better, and look better... for longer. Done. Do it.

5. Eat foods rich in antioxidants. This one is simple. Our bodies are bombarded by a whole lot of bad shit, all day, every day. Our immune systems keeps all of this "bad shit" from killing us. Antioxidants help our body's defenses (the underrated immune system) keep us alive. How do we get these antioxidants? No problem, just eat fruits and vegetables. Lots of them. More than anything else you eat. Generally speaking, the darker the color of the fruit or veggie, the more loaded it is with good shit. If you're curious, here are the some of the best fruits... and the best veggies.

6. Take a multivitamin. Unless you're a stinky, unshaven, earthy freak who grows all of your own natural foods and eats a perfectly balanced diet, you really should add a good multivitamin to your daily routine. No matter how hard we try, we are not going to get all of the essential vitamins and minerals that our body needs. A simple daily vitamin will help to supplement (not replace) some of those holes in your diet. Think of it as an insurance policy... for your ASS.

8. Avoid processed foods. Processed foods are those that have been altered from their natural state for any number of reasons, including for convenience and taste. Yeah, I know, it's impossible to "avoid" processed foods, but I can give you a few tips so that you can make better choices the next time you're at the grocery store. 1 - Replace the cooking oils in your kitchen with extra virgin olive oil, most of the other oils are bad for you in many ways. 2 - If you see "partially-hydrogenated" in the list of ingredients, it's probably going to taste good, but it will also promote changes in cell membranes throughout your body (sorry to get technical on your ass) that could lead to heart problems, weight gain, faster aging, and even cancer. These "trans-fats" do just that, transform you into a fatty. 4 - Continuing on the idea... use real butter instead of margarine 4 - If you can't buy/cook with fresh food all the time (and who can), avoid canned foods and go for the frozen version. Canned food often have more additives, including lots of salt. 5 - Buy locally-grown, natural foods (Eastern Market, anyone?). 6 - OMG this could go on forever, just limit the amount of "packaged foods" that you consume, avoid eating things that have ingredients that you can't pronounce, and you'll live forever. Good enough?

8. Everything else in moderation. Sure, we all have our weaknesses, and we all love to be lazy. So go eat that bag of chips, or that giant chocolate bar, or skip your exercise routine for the day. Being healthy is NOT about following a list of "Do's and Don'ts." It's about feeling better and enjoying your life. If you like to do some bad shit, then do it, just do it in moderation. Unless that bad shit is smoking, snorting coke (yumm), or doing under-aged hookers... in those cases, all that I can say, is "good luck."

9. Let go. This one is the most simple to understand, but it may also be the most difficult to follow through on. Admittedly, I have a difficult time with this one, myself, but it's a skill that takes time to learn. The general idea is to worry about only the things that you can control, and to let go of the rest. If you find yourself in a difficult situation at work, or in a relationship, for example, it is important to take action and attempt to make the situation better... but there's also a point when you've done all that you can do, and you need to accept the outcomes and move forward from there. I could write 9 pages about this concept, but I must instead encourage you to investigate this idea on your own. It can be a very liberating feeling, and one in which many people attribute to being on the path to (omg don't say it), happiness? As a part of this, it doesn't hurt to be optimistic, as well. There seems to be a new study coming out every few months about how positive thinkers live healthier lives. Mind over matter, indeed.

10. Last but certainly not least, fuck more! Hey, even WebMD agrees, so who are we to argue, eh? Sex burns calories, strengthens our heart, eases our mind of stress, and helps us bond with our partners. So do it.... like a bunch of drunk, horny monkeys in the jungle.

Much of what I know about health has come from very personal experience, and I can tell you that this shit does help. 100%. However, this list was by no means intended to be complete, ground-breaking... or even organized very well (I got tired and had to stop typing!), but I do hope that you found some value in my words and the links provided.

Your comments are welcome. Until next time, kids, be safe.

President-elect mania

Well, if you needed any further proof that things are-a-changing in the White House, this will certainly convince you. Now, I know that some people will shit a brick when they see this, but you can't blame Obama, this is the network's doing. People are crazy for Obamamania, like your little sister was crazy for NKOTB back in '90. Wait, no. No, no, NO. They're reuniting?! Are you f'n kidding me? I guess it's true, the apocolypse IS coming. Crap, I need to start working on my bucket list..

The videos of 2008

For the past 5 days, I have been attempting to write an insightful blog entry on the year that was 2008. I have deliberated, contemplated, reflected and dissected, and have finally come to the realization that the year simply isn't worth my time. 2008 was total crap on a stick, and deserves no literary concessions or romanticism. And so, I will present my review of 2008 in the form or a few video examples, which I feel best illustrate and capture the essence of the past year, in all of its craptastic splendor.

1 - Do you remember when you were a kid, and all of the science fiction shows and cartoons would refer to the year 2000 as the fantastical future? Yeah, well, we're 8 years into the 21st century now, and we STILL don't have flying cars. Instead, the brilliant minds that manage our auto industry have given us moments like this:



2 - The walking tragedy that was "W" finally reached its climax, and we have (hopefully) elected a leader who can actually speak extemporaneously (and can you BELIEVE we almost ended up with this?!). Ahh, we're going to miss him:



3 - Kwayme. Kwayme, Kwayme, Kwayme! He could have owned this city for decades. The people of the city would have taken a bullet for him. But, instead of using his power to help lead the city through it toughest times in nearly a half-century, he made things worse with his lies and other-worldly arrogance. When faced with adversity, he blamed everyone but himself, played the race card, and even after he was proven guilty, had the NERVE to say that we had set him up for a comeback. Tell me, Kwayme, what is it like to live in your head and be that delusional?! I envy you, because as the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.



With Kwame ousted, things improved quickly for our city, as you can see here:





4 - The Detroit Lions had been working towards their goal of a win-less season for decades. Finally, that hard work has paid off, and in 2008 they became the most futile team in the sport's storied 89yr history, recording a record of 0-16. We can ultimately thank a decrepit owner who's loyalty towards his poorly selected employees has solidified his spot as one of the least successful owners in professional sports history. Thank you, Mr. Ford (you have to check out a previous iteration of his Wikipedia page, HIL-arious). My suggestion to you, is to stick to what you and your family do best, build gas-guzzling car that no one wants anymore.



Let us recap, shall we? Everything sucks. The end. And I didn't even mention the worsening economy, the flawed wars that we participate in, or our continued insistence to systematically destroy our planet in 2008. No, I think I've depressed you enough for one day. Instead, I'll leave with this picture of two panda bears, to cheer you up and get you ready to take on 2009... because, hell, everyone loves cute-ass pictures of panda bears, don't they?!

(Oh, irony and symbolism, how I love thee...)

PS: Go here for my "faces of 2008" entry, over on my mother station.