Suck it up, scrooge

How is your holiday going? If I was to pick one word to describe mine, it would be "wha?"

I am sitting down at my computer, uninterrupted, for the first time in over a week. My presence is not required anywhere, by anyone today. *Breath*

Oh. Shit. Scratch that. I JUST got a text from an old friend who's b-day party I missed because I had to be somewhere else, and so it looks like my presence IS required somewhere in a few hours. Ahh, fuck balls.

ANYway, as I was saying. This holiday season, which isn't over yet, has been nothing short of hectic and tiring. It has also occurred to me, that of all of the places I've been and of all of people I've seen over the last 10 days, I haven't really been in control of more than a few hours of that time. It's funny how that works, isn't it? D-Tales and I went to Santarchy, which I had planned on doing (and even then we were only able to go for a very short time), and that was it. Oh, no, wait, I did play in a soccer tournament and that was definitely of my doing (I have a purple shin to prove it). Otherwise, I have been chasing family and friends to and fro, hither and yonder, living at the whim of others and not really fully pleasing any of them. I've done nothing more than my best to keep up.

As I sit here, now, with my first opportunity to reflect, I cannot help but wonder, and have inevitably come to ask myself that painfully-annoying, over-asked question, "Is this what the holidays are all about?!"

The answer, though, as much as I'd hate to admit it, is a resounding and convincing, "Yes."

Running all around town and being forced to see your friends and family is EXACTLY what the holidays are all about. Were we not to do it now, then when? As much as we like to complain about the madness that is December each year, we are social creatures, and social creatures require interaction with the people they care about. Our ever day lives are so loaded with time-consuming shit, that it is absolutely necessary to force ourselves to make time for one another over the holidays.

So, my advice to you (and myself), is to quit your bitching, get your ass out there, and be thankful for the friends and family that you DO have. And don't even try to tell me that you haven't had a good time along the way!

Drunk Santas invade Detroit

Ahhhh, Santarchy. If you don't know, you better aks somebody.

D-Tales' and I went, and you can see pictures and read my report here.

(This is the least informative, shortest blog posting ever. Click on the links and quit yer whining!)

Oh, but wait, I have more pictures... here you go:

Homer ain't got nuthin on me

(No, not that Homer, the other one, you illiterate boob.)

If you were to ask me, right now, what day it was, my reply would be, "I don't know, but I think it's either Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday."

And that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Days like today make me want to punch a baby. Well, OK, that's a bit harsh. Only if it were an ugly baby.

I have traveled the following path:

- Madison Heights to Warren
- from Warren to Fraser
- from Fraser to Roseville
- from Roseville to Warren
- from Warren to Madison heights
- from Madison Heights to Birmingham
- from Birmingham to Royal Oak
- from Royal Oak to Madison Heights
- from Madison Heights to Dearborn
- and finally, in someone's busted-ass Hyundai that almost broke down 9 times on the highway even though I was only doing 9mph to minimize the chances of breaking down... back to Madison Heights.

It has been quite an Odyssey, as I had to accomplish a series of tasks at each location before being allowed to continue to the next, although I am sorry to admit that my completed tasks do not quite measure up to a battle with a cyclops, catching the attention of a Greek goddess, or escaping the wrath of any gods of the sea. Maybe next time. For now, the 5.5hrs of sleep that I will be afforded soon, will have to do.

See, what it is, is...

I know you all missed me. I know that things just weren't the same around here without me. I know that your life was difficult in my absence. I know you're being sincere when you tell me these things, and not being sarcastical at all (I need to make up words more often). I appreciate that. Really, I do.

So yeah, I was in New Orleans, see?

More on New Orleans is coming, don't worry. But for now, I want to talk about something very close to my heart. This something is a trend, no, a plague on us all. It is spreading, and it cannot be stopped without a concerted, determined effort from you, and I. We must work together to abolish this abomination, before it's too late. This something is taking over, and robbing our society of its most cherished and important asset; our ability to communicate.

See, what the problem is, is that you need to have you timing belts replaced... The reason that our economy is as bad as it is, is because of those damn commies... The way that you do that is, is you need to double-click, not single click...

Please, in the name of GOD, QUIT, SAYING "IS, IS." Stop it. Don't do it. Ever. Never ever. Never no mo'. OMGOMGOMGOMG I can't STAND that lazy, back-woods, jumbled, redundant over speak that has become the norm. Who started that shit, anyway? You are all sheep. You can't speak clearly, and you just say all of the dumb shit that everyone else says. Yes, even YOU. Don't act like you haven't done it. I know you have.

I cannot describe for you, with any of the 200,000+ words that are available to me in the English language, how angry I become when I hear that garbage. How hard is it, really, to think before you speak? Unless your mother dropped you when you were a baby, you have NO excuse.

Seriously though, if your mother did drop you on your head, then I truly am sorry, and please enjoy yerself some Baby Ruth:

Noel Night in Detroit, holy crap!

(Go here for my pictures of the following...)

On Saturday night, Detroit's 36th annual Noel Night took place, and was graced with the presence of your very humble, non-opinionated, non-sarcastic, very patient blogging friends; 30sInProgress, and D-Tales. Ah, it was such a magical night. Children young and old descended upon our fair city from all corners of the metro area for an evening filled with holiday cheer and festivities. The holiday spirit was in the air, and once again, our great city was on display for all doubters to behold. Gosh, I wish every night was Noel night!!!

Wait, I almost forgot to mention something... Noel Night 2008 was the WORST planned event EVER. And when I say ever, I mean ever ever. I mean big, hairy, donkey balls ever. I mean, who was in charge of planning?! Oh, right, it was them, sorry.

What locations were involved and what did the festivities entail? Well... let me tell you: museums and science centers and libraries and art galleries and book stores and hair salons and cafes and cathedrals and colleges and universities and women's clubs and clothing boutiques and food markets and theaters and restaurants and of course, condominiums (no holiday event is complete with a free tour of a new condominium) were all open to the public for free. Each location offered its own flavorful series of events commemorating the holiday season, including... well a WHOLE bunch of crap that I'm not even going to TRY to list because it's all here. There are too many events and performances to count. And when I say "too many to count," I mean that literally. Go ahead, try. Once I got over 100, I stabbed myself in the neck with a tounge-sharpened candy cane and let out a series of holiday-charged, colorful explicatives.

I wasn't invited to the Noel Night planning committee's meeting, but I can imagine that it went something like this:

Committee member #1: Wow. Our Noel Night event is a great boost for the city, and has been very popular for many years. It brings so many people downtown, and gives others a chance to see so many things for free that they wouldn't normally have the opportunity to see. How can we f it all up this year?

Committee member #2: Hmm. Good question. Oh! I know! Let's condense everything into just 4.5hrs, to make it impossible for any human to actually to see all of the events that they want to see! This will also help to facilitate a rushed and anxious feeling amongst our visitors, which is great because rushing through crowds of confused people is what the holidays are all about!

Committee member #3: Great idea! Let's not stop there, though. Let's also shut down a large portion of Woodward, to create gridlock on the surrounding streets, making parking nearby a huge pain in the arse!

Committee member #4: Oh, and I've been exchanging emails with Old Man Winter, so maybe I can ask him to turn the temp down about 20 degrees. That should bring more people out... especially since we're only offering the event on one night!

Committee member #1 again: Excellent work team, now let's get out there and make this happen!

Yeah, thanks, planning committee. You RUINED my Christmas! Thanks a lot! Might I offer a few suggestions? First of all, figure out the damn logistics and extend the event until midnight, AT LEAST. Maybe even make it a multi-day event, so that everyone doesn't have to miss 85% of the shit that they want to see. After all... the whole point of this event is to bring people down to the city, and to expose people to all of the great educational, cultural, and artistic venues that the city has to offer. Why limit that exposure?!

Alright, I should also mention that when D-Tales and I were afforded a moment to enjoy the festivities, it was very, very nice. For a full rundown, be sure to read the latter portion of her blog entry over here.

The decorations, music, friendly people and volunteers really make this event a MUST for anyone within driving distance of the city. Just make sure that you plan ahead, because if you don't, you'll end up trampled in some back alley with reindeer hoof prints on your forehead, and no one wants that.

Mmm, sloppy seconds

Ever since I was a red-headed little punk living in the New Haven, I've been a hockey fan. My dad and I used to watch Hockey Night in Canada together. Ahh, those were the days. Back when the Red Wings actually played against the Original Six more than once a damn season. Back when Bob Probert was getting DUIs, and before Don Cherry was a bigoted asshole. Er, no, wait, Don Cherry was always a biggoted asshole, sorry Don.

Since then, the NHL has struggled to compete with the the NFL, MLB, and even the NBA. Why, you ask? Well that's a topic for another day, but suffice to say that the commissioner, Gary Bettman, has less vision than the clowns who have been running the Big 3 into the ground. Hey, I got an idea, let's whore out the Red Wings and make them play all the new, shitty, expansion teams (which are in warm weather climates where no one gives a flying F about hockey). Oooh, great idea.

But I digress.

This is what I wanted to share with you all:



If you're not a follower of the sports world, then please allow me to fill in the blanks. First of all, Sean Avery is a complete jagass. Always has been, always will be. He is an agitator in every sense of the word. He also happens to be an excellent hockey player, but his antics have gotten him into trouble many times before. As a result, he's been traded about 6 times (including from the Wings). Secondly, the "sloppy seconds" that he's referring to is the latest of his model/celebrity girlfriends, Elisha Cuthbert, who is now dating an even better hockey player, Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames.

So, who cares? Well, I care, because it's f'n hilarious. Dion Pheneuf is 5" and 20lbs bigger than Avery, and oh, by the way... fighting is still allowed in hockey. If you're near a television on February 3rd, you just might want to tune into Flames v Stars.

And yes, this is EXACTLY what the league needs to create a little buzz in the sport again.

Check me out on D-Tales now!

Because of the god-like literary talents that I possess (and not because of anyone snarking anyone else), I have been invited to co-author one of the more popular blogs in all the land. I am speaking of course, about D-Tales. Click on over for some mind-melting fun. To see the blogs that I have posted, specifically, scroll down the page and click on the "that other guy" label.

I will continue to post here, of course. However, most of my Detroit-centric postings will now appear over there. (D-Tales' Google Analytics report is a little higher than mine *ahem*.)

This just means there will be more blogging goodness for all.

Enjoy!

"Udderly" Hilarious

Ok, this has nothing to do with being "in progress", or with Detroit, or with... well, anything. But it is HILARIOUS. And so, I give you, the child-chasing, publicly-peeing, alcoholic, cow woman.

Read the full story here.

"The [police] report did not speculate as to why Allen was wearing the cow suit."

(Thank you for sharing the link!)

America's Thanksgiving Parade?!

Last Thursday was Turkey Day. And yes, I said "Turkey Day" and not "Thanksgiving Day" because that's exactly what it is. The final Thursday of each November is a day that we all get together with friends and family to do one thing, and one thing only - eat Turkey. The only giving of thanks that we offer is that half-hearted, half-assed recital of grace that your uncle gives at the dinner table each year. You know the routine; everyone loads their plate full of enough food to feed an entire pack of rabid wolves, while simultaneously bitching about how it's going to make them fat and gripping their fork tighter than a drag racer grips the steering while waiting for the starting lights drop. Before the "Ay" in "Amen" is uttered, the forks are in motion, and a moment of quiet falls over the land as the mouth-shoveling begins. THAT'S Thanksgiving.

Another Turkey Day tradition around these parts is, of course, America's Thanksgiving Parade. Woodward is blocked off and quickly becomes overrun with clowns, and beads, and marching bands, and floats, and fire engines, and giant caterpillar-things, and giant helium-filled balloons shaped like outdated cartoon characters, and celebrities (who the f is "Nuttin But Stringz" and why the f was he invited?), and big, steamy piles of horse doo. From miles away, one could hear the low rumble of the crowds, and catch a twinge of the anticipation in the air. Ah, yes, the parade. Come one, come all, to see the parade. Our parade is one of the largest in the nation, has been taking place each year for 82 straight, enjoys national TV syndication, and provides a showcase opportunity for our bad-ass city. Yes, it is quite a spectacle to behold.

I was even lucky enough to get my skinny little fingers on an All Access pass, which allowed me free rein of the parade route (it was a photojournalism-student kinda thing). I ventured up and down that damn avenue; walking, sprinting, ducking and dodging with my wanna-be-pro camera, didn't get hit by a single golf cart (grazes do not count as hits) and only impeded the progress of the parade once. Not bad for my first time, I think. I was even able to get lucky and grab a few decent exposures. You can see a few below, or click here for the complete set.






The experience of being down there, right in the middle of it all, was definitely "O-face" inspiring. The city was electrified by huge crowds of people who came from all corners of the metro area, representing all ages, races, and economic statuses. Many of them affectionately referred to me as "hey you, with the camera." I didn't have the heart to tell them that I had no gd clue about what I was doing, or that their pictures would not be making the 10 o'clock news. Well, not this year, at least.

So, yeah, parades are great, especially OUR city's parade. Or, are they, really?!

I forgot to mention, amid all of this talk about how wonderful the parade is... that I HATE PARADES! I haven't been since I was a chubby, red-haired tater tot with Velcro tennis shoes. I've been invited many times, but have never gone back, until now. My problem, and I will admit that I DO have a problem (one of many), is that I just don't get it. I don't understand parades. Please, you must help me understand. I'm begging you.

I mean, what is the point? Where does the fun exist in attending a holiday parade? Is getting up but-cracker-ass early on Thanksgiving morning (after partying the night before), fun? Is wearing 9 layers of long-underwear, so that you don't freeze to death while standing motionless on the side of the road for 3 hours, fun? Is waiving mindlessly to oversized gingerbread houses and balloons, fun? Is it the 2 hours that it takes you find you car and get to the highway afterward, fun? It must be Santa Clause, right? We're all waiting to catch a glimpse of the fat man in the red suit? I don't know. Honestly.

So it got me thinking of ways to improve the America's Thanksgiving Parade day experience, and I've come up with a few for next year. Please feel free to add your own.

The 30s In Progress top 10 ways to make the parade more interactive and exciting:

10. Local rock bands are allowed to march in the parade, as long as they have a tuba player.

9. Audience participation in the dance team routines is allowed and encouraged. You know that crazy aunt of yours would be out there on Woodward shaking her tail feather in a hot second.

8. Assign the horse shiat-collecting duties to the executives of the Big 3 (and maybe throw in the UAW president while we're at it). They've been feeding us a bunch of b.s. for years, so it's only fair that they spend some time cleaning up after themselves. And they're not allowed to use shovels, or wear gloves.

7. Invite former mayor Kwayme K to join the clown corp, and encourage the crowd to play "Where's Kwayme?" as they try to spot him amongst the other clowns. Oh, wait, no. Bad idea. Everyone would spot the clown in the bright orange jump suit. My bad.

6. Tie one snotty-nosed, bratty kid to each of the giant balloons before inflating them. What's that, kid, you're sorry, really scared, and want to get down? Too damn bad, you're up there now, and we can't get you down until we reach Hart Plaza in an hour.

5. Real bums are given red noses and encouraged to join the hobo clowns. Don't get too close, kid, that clown looks hungry.

4. Balloon escorts (the people who hold the strings and keep them from flying into the stratosphere) are allowed to drink vodka before and during the parade. Now, THAT would be entertaining.

3. The owner of the Detroit Lions, Ford Senior, who's blind loyalty, stubbornness, and overall incompetence is most responsible for the origination's decades of galactic futility, will be dressed in a meat suit and placed on a float with REAL lions from the Detroit Zoo.

2. Instead of throwing candy canes, Santa will throw frozen turkeys into the crowd. Look alive grandma, there's an 11-pounder flying at your head.

1. And the number one way to make the parade more exciting.... Clowns will no longer be handing out free beads to the crowd. If you want some free beads, the clowns get to see some free boobies!