"I got a rock"

Don't call it a comeback, I been here for years, rocking my peers and puttin suckas in fear. Rain down like a... ummm... monsoon, listen as the bass goes boom... uhhh... I explode, and my nine is easy to load... momma said knock you out. Bitch.

Ah, crap, that's all I can remember. Anyway, I'm back, and my biceps are HUGE, just like LL's.

So much to talk about... where to begin? Let's start with the quick and decisive demise of Summer in the city. Fall is here. It's official, and I couldn't be more pleased. If there were a brawl of the seasons, Fall would undoubtedly beat all of the other season's asses. Fall would take them all on at once, and leave them bloodied, battered, and crying for their mommas (said knock you out). The reasons for Fall's utter domination over the other seasons are many. Here are but a few of those reasons:

1. Halloween and razor-blade-laced apples. This is the only holiday worth celebrating, as far as I'm concerned (other than boxing day, of course). What ever happened to this guy?
   
2. Haunted Houses. Although, they seemed a helluva lot better when I was younger and they were less... regulated? I have to go this year, I missed the last few years and I vowed to make up for that mistake this year.
   
3. The Red Wings begin their run for another Cup. Wait... I just remembered that I don't have TV. Crap.
   
4. The air just smells better in the Fall.
   
5. Oktoberfest.
6. Naps are better in the Fall.
   
7. Cider mills.
8. Pumpkin carving... and then blowing them up two weeks later.
9. My GD birthday. You have exactly 7 days to prepare. Just don't make me eat cake. I hate cake.
10. And of course, you cannot have Fall without...

Care to add anything to the list?

Saturday do this

First, you should go to this at Eastern Market.

Then, you should go to this at the Zeitgeist Gallery.

How you can pass up FREE music, FREE culture, FREE art, FREE rants (I know the ranter, and he will be into it, trust me), a FREE play, and a FREE puppet show?! You can't. So be there. I will be there. Therefore it will be awesome. Yes.

Photoshopping McCain

It took me a while, but I have finally become a follower of political issues. I have formed my own opinions, and I can back them up with sound reasoning. What I have discovered along this journey, is that there are a lot of really ignorant people in this country (and especially in this region) who don't know why they believe what they believe. They just repeat what they hear, and sell it off as their own ideas. And so, I do my best to stand up for what I believe against this ignorance ("conservative" thinking), though I usually just get annoyed and end up kicking people in the face when they don't agree with me. It's easier than trying to debate with most people.

Speaking of kicking people in the face, have you seen or heard about this?!

Hill-f'n'-arious. (Oh, Photoshop, how I love thee.)

Death and Immortality in your 30's

One of my favorite movie quotes is, "childhood is over the moment you know you're going to die." It's rather morbid, yes, but I believe it also says a lot about our society's view of aging. (If you can name the movie, I will provide you with a prize... and I really mean it this time.)

Throughout the months of September and October, I have a number of friends celebrating their birthdays. I don't know for sure how many, because I lost count at 5. Some of those friends are still in their twenties (like her, and her), but others like myself, are not... anymore.

The conversation is always the same. You know how it begins - "So, how OLD are you NOW?!" What a terribly vague question. It would be more direct if we just said what we really meant and asked one another, "so how much closer are you to fuckin DYING, you dirty OLD bastard?!"

The truth is, even if I could "go back" to being younger, knowing what I know now, I don't think I would. All of the experiences that I went through, some (really) good and some (really) bad, have made me the person that I am today, and I've decided to just go with it. I know who I am now, and I could not have said that a few years ago. I like who I am, and when I do find something about myself that I don't like, I work on it. It's not complicated. Besides, I got carded at Target last year while trying to buy a video game, so I can't look that old, right? (*cough* *cough*)

I do understand, though, that I am in the minority. Some of you may feel as though you're aging rapidly on a drinking, smoking, partying, don't-know-what-the-hell-you-want-to-do-with-your-life runaway freight train. Have no fear, Uncle 30sInProgress is here to calm your fears, and he presents to you the following (proven) pathways to immortality:

1. Find the fountain that Tuck everlasting has been hording for all these years. What a selfish bastard. I've read the book 9 times, and I still can't figure out which GD forest they're talking about.
2. Sleep with Bubbles and MJ in their hyperbolic chamber. Just remember to bring MJ a lollipop when you go visit.
   
3. Freeze yourself next to Walt Disney each winter. I think he's buried somewhere under the It's a Small World ride. Good luck with that shit. God, I hate that ride.
   
4. Live in outer space. Without gravity, your "junk" will not sag and/or drop as quickly.
5. Hang out at Mephisto's and City Club until you meet a vampire, then let them bite you.
   
6. This is too good to pass up, you HAVE to see this.

If you embark down any of those pathways, please let me know how it goes. For now, I'm just going to be the bore that I have always been, fighting off mortality with more conventional methods such as vitamins and exercise.

Oh, and yes, I AM turning 22 again this year.

Elections '08 - all you need to know

I know that navigating the political landscape can be a very frightening and confusing task. Have no fear, though, because I'm here to help. Unfortunately, it's slim pickins this time 'round, friends. And since none of YOU are running for office (even though I would never vote for most of you), we are forced to pick from what's left. As a service to you and the surrounding community, I've spent the last few months collecting data and conducting research on the candidates. As a result of that tireless research, I have assembled the following list.

Here is all you need to know about the two major party's presidential candidates in 2008:

Republicans

1. McCain has others check his email for him, and isn't sure what to make of "The Google" that he keeps hearing about.
2. McCain is old. Really, really, old, but also kind of funny... maybe because he's old.
3. McCain thinks Roe V. Wade could/should be reversed.
4. McCain believes in privatized health care and tax rebate subsidies for it (since it worked so well when Bush did that to stimulate the economy).
   
5. Palin's voice is more... powerful... than Hillary Clinton's ever was. Palin's voice, when broadcast over a p/a system has been known to injure infants and even kill small woodland creatures.
   
6. Palin loves herself some g-o-d, and secretly believes she is Jesus' sister.
7. Palin doesn't believe that human actions have had any impact on global warming. Oh... wait, scratch that, one of her advisors just bitch-slapped her on the campaign bus, and now she's changed her tone to say that we "may" have an impact on our environment.
   
8. Both McCain and Palin are afraid of gay people, even though they are both slightly gay.
   

Democrats

• Obama's religious associations are all encompassing, allowing him to freely relate with many spiritual groups. He is a hard-lined Muslim, a devout Christian, a dedicated Morman, a peaceful Budhist, and sometimes a spell-casting Wiccan. It all just depends on the day of the week.
• Obama's heritage is very diverse, and fluctuates slightly depending on moon's waxing and waining cycles, and on who's asking him the question about it. Last count, he was 29% black, 14% white, 14% arabic, 18% latino, and 25% ancient chinese warrior.
• Obama believes in a woman's right to choose.
  
• Obama isn't thrilled about drilling for more oil, and prefers to explore alternative energy solutions... even though he's not exactly sure what "alternative energy" means.
  
• Obama's choice for VP is... I have no idea who his VP choice is. Does he even have one? I thought I had heard that he was thinking of picking Bill Clinton? Can he even do that?! No, wait, I remember, it's Oprah.
  

Good luck in November, you'll need it.

The Suburbs vs. The City

I spent the majority of my last few hours at Dally in the Alley last Saturday soaking in beats from the festival's techno/electronic stage (addicts need their fix). As the last DJ's set stretched closer to the mandatory shut-down time of midnight, he was accompanied by a dude on a microphone who might have been a DJ himself, or a promoter, I have no idea. For the purposes of this article, however, I will affectionately refer to the dude with the mic as Dillhole-idiot-boy.

Dillhole-idiot-boy talked over the beats and told the crowd about the after parties, and thanked everyone for coming out to support the city. Oh, how cordial, thank you Dillhole-idiot-boy. It wasn't long, however, until he started taking cuts at everyone who was "going back the suburbs." He mentioned the suburbs in a mildly-humorous yet derogatory manner about 9 times (I lost count after 5).

Ha ha, OK, I get it, how original. The suburbs are boring, and the city is exciting. The suburbs are uptight, and the city is open-minded. The city has culture, arts, and music, and the suburbs have Wal-Mart. People in the city are real, and people in the suburbs are fake. I get it, I get it.

When I first started spending more of my free time in the city, I found this perpetual and underlying battle of words and attitudes to be quite amusing. My friends in the city would swear to never cross 8 mile. Can you imagine catching a city-dweller at the Starbucks in Royal Oak? Yeah, I can't either. As for my friends who lived in the suburbs... well, most of them don't even know how to get downtown without their dad driving them, and have no idea what happens in the city outside of Lions, Tigers and Red Wings games.

I'm finding this battle of words and attitudes between The Suburbs and The City to be less amusing now, the more I hear of it. I could list countless examples, but I'm not getting paid for writing this article and research is annoying... so for now, I've just decided to declare a truce and offer a bit of advice to each side of the battle line.

City dwellers, you weren't all immaculately conceived and born in the Heart Plaza fountain, you shop at IKEA, and your grandma lives in Rochester, so get over yourself. It's OK if you're seen in the suburbs on occassion. The culture and style that drew you into city is not exclusive to the city, it's just a bit harder to find in the 'burbs. Suburbanites, try something new for once and pick up a Metro Times, or a Real Detroit, or... gosh, I dunno, Google the word "detroit" and then make plans to do something interesting and outside of your comfort zone this weekend. Trust me, you won't regret it.

Ok, I lied... I did do some research. I couldn't resist. Let us get really serious for a moment. Great care has been fused into the following list of reasons why The City and The Suburbs need one another:

Why city dwellers need the suburbs:

1. Abercrombie and Fitch - If the suburbs didn't have malls, and those malls didn't have stores like Abercrombie and Fitch in them, picking out the weakest suburbanites would be slightly more difficult for the city dwellers as they prepared to administer beat downs. Sure, the city dwellers can smell fear, especially as the suburbanites stumble out of Chelli's Chili and Hockeytown Cafe, but AE and Hollister markings just make things a little easier.
   
2. White People - Let's face it, white people have their uses, and the suburbs are teaming with them. Who else would pay $20 to a guy with a cardboard sign, just to park their car in an abandoned parking lot near the Fox? White people bring money to the city.
3. Trader Joe's and Target - Even the city dwellers need cheap (yet healthy) food, and cheap (yet stylish) home furninshings. I know for a fact that all city dwellers have at least one picture frame on their wall from Target, and at least one frozen pizza in their freezer from Trader Joe's.
4. The Internet - Everyone knows that homes in the city do not yet have access to this new Internet-thing. Fortunately, though, most city dweller's mothers reside in the suburbs, where the Internet is plentiful and readily available.
   

Why the suburbs need the city:

1. Street cred - When suburbanites travel to other lands, it makes them look and feel tough to say they're "from Detroit," even if they're not, exactly.
2. The casinos - Suburbanites love themselves some slot machines, Texas Hold 'em, neon lights and endless lines of "free" buffets. If it weren't for the city and its law allowing the money-sucking enterprises to be built, they would be stuck sitting at home playing against a 9yr-old from Cleveland on SuperStars.net.
   
3. Black people - If suburbanites weren't able to secretly fear black people from the city, they would be forced to fear themselves and their own closed-mindedness, and that would be just too damn inconvenient for any true suburbanite.
4. Crack whores - We all enjoy the wonder and delight that a good crack whore can bring to a Friday night, and they are just too difficult to find on the mean streets of Old Woodward in B'ham. For $5 and a bag of Doritos, any self-respecting, married man from Roseville can take a short drive down Gratiot to get himself a top-of-the-line crack whore for an evening of fun and adventure.
   

And so, just remember, without one, there is no other. The city needs the suburbs, and the suburbs need the city. So why don't you all just meet in the middle of 8mile on Satuday night, hold hands, exchange phone numbers, make-out for a little while, and then make plans together for the following weekend?

(What do you think?)

Dally in the Alley

"Proof."

In a word, that is what I found at the 31st annual Dally in the Alley festival last Saturday in Detroit. I found proof that Detroit is worth the effort. I found proof that Detroit is real, and it is alive and well. I found proof that if you are open-minded, Detroit will smack you square in the face with its culture, art, and music.

For nearly 6 hours, I wandered back and forth, up and down, and all around the streets and alleys of 2nd, 3rd, Hancock and Forest. Most of that time, I had no idea where my friends where, or if I still had any, but it didn't matter. I spent the entire night in search of one, just one, crap-ass musical performance, but was unable to do so. From the reggae band-lead skatting amazing words that I never knew existed, to the wailing violin of El Gato Legato, to my new wife playing base for 800beloved, to the infectious beats pouring from the techno stage all night... holy crap, that was some good shite.

Were you there? I think I saw everyone once. Next time, look for the guy with the camera wandering around aimlessly by himself and say "Hi." He moves quickly, though. I still suck at photography, but what I did capture is here. Or, just click on the picture to the left.

PS: Yeah, I know. The timeliness of this unofficial and semi-lame report is untimely, but I've been illin'. And I don't mean RUN D.M.C. style, either. Your fake and insincere concern warms my heart.

PPS: WTF is with that dance that guys do, when they stand over a group of girls with their arms waiving up in the air... as if they're directing a 747 into the terminal at DTW? Seriously, what is the story behind that idiocy? I must know. Actually, I don't blame the guys who do it. They're trying and can't help being mindless boobs. I'm really just angry at the girls who let the guys do it to them. That dance was in full-force at the techno stage on Saturday night.

PPPS: Did I mention that I spent ZERO dollars that night?!

I feel like crap, but I have a lightsaber

Today, I'm not 30s in progress. I'm ageless and making no progress. I'm motionless, inspiration free, and drifting in a windless ocean of I'd-rather-be-home-sleeping-right-now. I feel like garbage and I look it, too. Two weeks of partying, working, class, soccer-ing, and trying to keep up with everyone and everything has caught up to me, and IT is kicking my ass. If only I were impervious to pain as I was once was (back in the 90's, yes).

I don't want your sympathy though. Sympathy leads to weakness, weakness leads to dependence, and dependence leads to... the Dark Side?! Shit, Yoda was right all along. It's a good damn thing that I kept my lightsaber from 3rd grade.

And so, as I sit here at work, not progressing (and not working), something occurred to me. I don't have to progress today. I "have to do" nothing, nada, non niente, rien, nichts. In fact, everything that I do, and everything that I am responsible for, was created out of my own choice. There is no reason to be stressed, worriful, or anxious. Those are emotions that I've created in a false state of mind as I attempt to control what I cannot control. There is only what I choose to do, and what I choose not to do.

Today, I choose to do one thing at a time. Today, I choose to do... not a whole helluva lot. Today, I don't care what you think about me. Today, I'm just going to be Sean.

Who are you going to be today?

"The truth will set you free"... or not

I'm not going to write about Kwayme. It's been done, it's being done, and it will continue to be done by many others. What is left to say? What is left to argue about? He (finally, and only because he was forced to) admitted to lying, and he's being held accountable for his actions. Done. End of story. It's a sad day for everyone involved.

Will the city learn from this? Will you learn from this? Will I?

One can hope.

Death and Destruction Boom

The new banner and template are a bit too dark. Holy crap. It looked a lot better in my head. Maybe I should start a death metal band and blog about... whatever someone in a death metal band would blog about. This could be very great. Yes.

Whatever, I just couldn't stand looking at that white background anymore. I'll come up with something else soon. In the interim, mourn with me, and bang your head... or something.

Unless I should keep it?

Paxahau-who-wha?

So how did you like the last leg of the anniversary party on Sunday night?

I'm not a techno kid. But if I were younger, I might have been in danger of becoming one. Unfortunately, I do not yet know the names of many of the DJs, and sometimes I can't even tell the difference between the good shit, and the really good shit, but I do know that dancing to those gd beats can be completely intoxicating. You know you've had a good time when the DJ stops, everyone in the joint claps, then the lights come on, you notice that you're sweating through your clothes, you can't see straight, and your cell phone tells you that it's 3:22 in the morning.

Oh, and how did you like the after party at The Works? Oh, wait, you didn't make it. I almost forgot, NO ONE made it... except for me and my new Canadian allies. Lesson learned. The bouncer wouldn't give us our cover back, either. Oh well, at least the company along the journey was classy.