DON'T VOTE

Yeah, that's right, I said it, and I'll say it again. DO NOT vote tomorrow. Stay home. Tear up your voter registration card. Don't even think about driving past your local voting station. Just treat tomorrow like any other day, and bypass your opportunity to be a part of the democratic process.

The truth is, if you're an average American, you're uninformed, impressionable, gullible, lazy, and scared to death of forming your own opinions about the political issues that affect your life and the country to which you owe your livelihood. You've likely never traveled outside of the Midwest (and NO, Canada does not count as travel, sorry), so you have no idea what the world is really like outside of your bubble. Your favorite pastime is watching reality television, you think camping in the Thumb is an "adventure," and you actually do refer to McDonald's as a "restaurant." Please, I'm begging you, stay out of the voting booth tomorrow!

For the 3 or 4 of your out there who actually do make an effort to gather information and then form an educated opinion, I present the following sources of information for your reading pleasure:

• Michigan.gov/vote
  
• Project Vote Smart
• Truth-o-meter (read the truth in each candidate's accusations of the other)
  
• PBS's unbiased feature on the presidential candidates