Black Finn... tastes like chicken

It’s 9am on Sunday morning (holy shit, I must be missing church, bummer), my hair looks like a science experiment gone horribly wrong, and my eyes look like a cut from Ben Stein’s Visine commercial. Bueller... Bueller... Bueller. Well, Bueller spent Saturday evening at the new “it” bar in Royal Oak, the Black Finn Restaurant and Saloon, and he can’t wait to share.

I should preface this unofficial review by saying that I had already made my judgment of the bar weeks earlier, when I had accidentally walked by on a Thursday night at about 9pm, and witnessed an entry line already stretching down the block. One could see the glitter in the girls’ outfits and the grease in the guys’ hair from the other side of Main.

Ah, hell, I’ll just come right out and say it. Trendy joints have a habit of annoying the shit out of me.

I’ll break it down for all parties involved:

• Trendy guys, get off your imaginary, macho, high fucking horse. Your macho behavior is nothing more than a cover-up for the fact that you’re afraid of everyone seeing who you really are (a scared little girl who is afraid to cry). You live in a constant state of denial. College is over, and no one cares about how far you can throw a football. Oh, and one more thing, standing against the wall and staring at a girl’s ass on the dance floor for more than 2 songs does not give you the right to grind your junk on her when she’s not looking. You give guys like me a bad name.
  
• Trendy ladies, let me tell you that your make-up job isn’t fooling anyone. Spend a little less time at the salon and a little more time forming a few original thoughts. And do me a favor, close your legs and quit the whining about how you can “never find a good guy.” If you really wanted to meet a good guy, you would. Here’s a little hint, put out the type of energy that you want to attract. It’s that simple. Write that down so you don’t forget.
• Trendy bathroom attendant, please shut your mouth for 5 seconds. Being condescending and being witty are not the same thing. If you don’t know what condescending means, walk over to the bookstore and look it up.
  
• Trendy wait staff, you need to stop pushing people out of the way. I know the place is packed, and I know you’re stressed out, but no one forced you take this job, so suck it up and show a little more class.
• Trendy new bar, your floor plan sucks. Your main bar is too big, your foot-paths are too narrow, and your dance floor is in the middle of the goddamn walkway to the bathroom. I mean, seriously, who designed you?! And, it’s the middle of the summer, how can your ventilation from the poison air be so poor?!
• Trendy DJ, I am going to kill you if I hear Brown Eyed Girl, one, more, time.

Strangely enough, it is still very possible to have a good time at Black Finn. In fact, I had a good time. It wasn’t easy, but I did. The drinks weren’t too overpriced, and they must have had at least 30 bartenders rolling about. The TV’s are fancy and plentiful, and I’ve heard that the food served during normal business hours is actually quite good.

When given a choice, though, I prefer to occupy my Saturday nights with a bit more substance and flavor.